


loving exaltation

by indefensibleselfindulgence



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Buried Alive, Crushes, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Praise Kink, Religious Content, suffocation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-25 22:20:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20033269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indefensibleselfindulgence/pseuds/indefensibleselfindulgence
Summary: “Nervous?” Beau leans on the railing of the balcony.“Why would I be nervous?” It's Caduceus, so obviously he trusts him more than anything. There's a pit in his chest about everything else, sure, about the whole entire process and the god stuff and he'd be lying if he didn't feel like he was on the verge of throwing up for the past two days since Caduceus brought it up because what if the Wild Mother didn't actually want him- but that's- that's whatever.





	loving exaltation

**Author's Note:**

> head that first tag 
> 
> this is the most buried thing i've ever written and it's not even for tma whats up with that

“Nervous?” Beau leans on the railing of the balcony.

“Why would I be nervous?” It's Caduceus, so obviously he trusts him more than anything. There's a pit in his chest about everything else, sure, about the whole entire process and the god stuff and he'd be lying if he didn't feel like he was on the verge of throwing up for the past two days since Caduceus brought it up because what if the Wild Mother didn't actually want him- but that's- that's whatever.

“I mean, you know.” She waves a hand and stares down at where Caduceus was slowly digging. “I'd be freaked all the way out.”

“It's Caduceus.” Even if he- mm- even if he dies, Caduceus can just bring him back. “I'll be fine. Why wouldn't I be?”

Beau shrugs.

The trip from the Dust's to back to Caduceus' forest was a took a little while, but he didn't mind. Okay if it was anyone else, maybe he'd be more annoyed with it, but Caduceus pulled him over while they were sleeping in Caleb's bubble and mentioned something about it being for him.

Fjord was maybe a little hazy on the details because Caduceus was whispering and his lips were maybe two inches from his ear, but that's unimportant. They just got a lot of dirt, and his bag was weighed down with it while Caleb teleported them back to Xhorhas. Now, after a few days of letting it all incorporate with volcanic ash, they were also lugging around, and the dirt Caduceus had been working with since they got here, it was finally ready for Fjord to-

“Sure you're not stressed?”

“Mmhm, yeah, Beau, sure I'm not stressed.” He was starting to look like The Gentleman with all of the sweating he's been doing lately. “How Dairon?”  
  
“Yeah okay.” She frowns, and when Fjord raises an eyebrow, she flips him off and walks back inside.

Caduceus waves at him and Fjord waves back.

“Need any help?”

“What?” Caduceus looks around, eyes settling on the shovel he's holding. “Oh-” He chuckles and its like honey. “No, I've got it, thank you.” His smile is like honey too.

Fjord keeps watching, Caduceus keeps digging.

Caleb is off at Essik's house, Beau is going to do spy shit with Dairon, and Jester and Nott are back in Nikodranos for the weekend. It's going to be just them for the night. Just them alone.

There's an undercurrent of excitement of course, that he's finally shedding Uk'otoa and all of its awful influence, and there's also an undercurrent of excitement about being all along with Caduceus for the first time, and an undercurrent of excitement about the Wild Mother really well and truly embracing him.

Focus on the positives Fjord.

Focus on spending an entire night alone with Caduceus, who's been so patient and understanding and kind. His new sword hangs on his belt, heavy and grand and so real. There's really nothing at all to worry about. It's Caduceus.

Of course, Caduceus will take care of him.

And he believes it, of course, he does.

It's Caduceus.

And besides, Fjord agreed to it, so if anything goes wrong, it's really on him.

Sure maybe he was a little slap-happy when he agreed to it, new sword, newfound confidence, newfound respect, and kindness. This is good for him. It's good for him. He's fine. He's got it. Caduceus will take care of him, and so will the Wild Mother and there is nothing wrong that could even happen, really. He's got the best cleric he knows at his side.

Plenty of people have been buried alive before, right?

…

He stands in his small clothes and stares down at the Grave Caduceus has dug for him.

The Grave he's about to get into.

“Think of it as a baptism. If that sort of thing helps.”

“Not really, no.”

“Yeah.” Caduceus stands by his side, leaning on the shovel a little bit. “Didn't think it would- but you never know.”

“Anything uh-” Fjord rubs the back of his neck nervously. “Anything I should know, beforehand?”

“It's going to be scary,” Caduceus says, and lays the shovel down on the ground before starting to light the incense that he set up around them. One by one, and he takes his time. Maybe for Fjord's benefit, maybe because that's what you're supposed to do when burying someone alive. “You're going to try and convince yourself it's not, but don't. Returning to the earth before your time is always scary.”

“Great.”

“If you try and fight it-” Caduceus looks up from where he's leaning, at the foot of The Grave. “Try and push the dirt away, or burrow deeper, it'll only make it worse, I mean.”

“Even better.”

“You'll do just fine, Mr. Fjord.” Caduceus stands back up again, stretching slowly. “If I could do it, so can you.”

“That was-” Fjord swallows. “Advice from experience?”

“Oh mmhm. Everyone in my family's done it.”

“And no one died doing it right?” Caduceus just smiles and pats his shoulder. His tail curls around Fjord's leg for a few moments and Fjord shivers in the cold night air. “Does it hurt?”

“Well.” Caduceus looks at him for a while. “You can hold your breath for a while. I suppose when you run out of air, it might burn a little.”

“You're really not reassuring me here.”

“Good.” Now it's Fjord's turn to stare. “My mother tried to reassure me that it wouldn't hurt at all. That it would just be the Mother giving me a tight hug. I- I ate a lot of dirt.” Fjord laughs, and there's that smile again. His chest is warm with it, right where he shoved his old sword through.

The smell of the incense was starting to make him dizzy.

The incense.

And not. Not anything else at all. This was a serious religious ceremony. He was about to be embraced by a real god, in a way that he wanted, in a way that was going to fix so many of his problems. He wouldn't be getting light-headed because his friend smiled at him. That would be. So ridiculous. Very silly.

“So eating the dirt, that's- that's ill-advised?”

“You can eat the dirt if it makes you feel better.” Fjord laughs again. “It'll be dark. Cold and warm at the same time. Really tight, in your chest.”

“It's like I'm already there.”

“That's the spirit.”

The earthy smell is unavoidable now, with the smoke so thick around them. It's like they're in those mists again. There is no light in the sky. Their house is empty and silent, just like the streets. It really does feel like they're the only two people alive in the entire world.

“And after?” He asks a tremor in his voice he didn't think would surface.

“After I'll take care of you Fjord. Clean you up, feed you, get you to bed. Teach you how to pray to the Mother. You'll be just fine.”

“Right.”

Caduceus picks up the shovel again.

He steps out of his small clothes quickly, shivers again, naked in the night air, grateful that his friend is all but blind in the dark and the blush on his cheeks, the blush that blooms over his chest and neck are unseen, and gets into the hole.

“This is going to be wonderful,” Caduceus says, and drops the first shovel-full of dirt on his legs. It's just as unpleasant as he imagined it would be. Fjord doesn't say anything. Just tries to get as comfortable as he can. More and more dirt packs on to him until Caduceus has no choice but to cover his face. “You're going to be wonderful.”

The dark is as pervasive as he expected. He hears the thud of dirt above him and an occasional noise of exertion from Caduceus, but otherwise, it's just him and the blood already pounding in his ears. His mind keeps dragging to the ocean, to the thought of crushing water and darkness so pervasive he couldn't see his hand an inch from his eyes, but he fights against it.

Focus on the differences. Focus on the smell and the texture and the weight. He curls his fingers into fists, feeling dirt slip through his fingers.

It gets harder to breathe eventually, when he thinks there is no dirt being thrown on top of him anymore, but he can't tell. He keeps his eyes closed, his mouth closed. More differences. The salt of the ocean never bothered him. The dirt is- here. Very really. Very here.

There's nothing but the smell of incense in his mind now, even stronger than the dirt that is everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.

He thinks he feels someone touch his hand, and that makes him kick, legs jamming against tightly packed space. A quiet shush in his ear until he realizes it's the Mother, or Caduceus maybe. He can't tell them apart. One dream is not enough to build a frame of reference from.

His lungs are burning now.

“Breathe.” The voice whispers, soft and so kind it might suffocate him alone. “We have you. You're safe.”

Hard to believe, but he'll grant her, him, them, whatever, the voice does help somewhat.

There's just nothing to breathe with, really, is the thing.

His chest is really unspeakably tight.

It's different from the pressure of the ocean. It's solid weight, on his chest, on his legs, on his arms, on his face. It doesn't feel dirty, or clingy, just heavy.

So heavy.

“Breathe.” The voice again, honey warm and kind. Hands, four, he thinks he counts, running over his back, over his chest, up and down his legs and arms. “We have you. We have you Fjord. We'll take care of you.”

He sees the world, forests and fields, sees birds and rabbits and small streams against smooth rocks. Snow and rain, people. In caves and in houses, elves, humans, orcs, halflings, tieflings firbolgs. The ocean crashing against obsidian beaches, gems growing out of veins in mountains. The sky rushes overhead, clouds light and wispy painting patterns in the sky. Iridescent beetles crawling along bark older then any city. Spires and spirals and things he doesn't understand but can feel porous and rough against his skin.

He can see Caduceus, smiling, talking to someone, her, must be her, over his Grave.

He can see Her, talking to Caduceus, large and beautiful, hair sweeping in the night breeze.

He can see himself, lying in the dirt, in the earth, eyes closed and hair splayed, fists clenched and brow furrowed.

“Breathe.” They say together. “We have you.” They say together. “You're safe.” They say together.

He opens his mouth and lets his lungs rest.

He feels it pour inside of him.

He breathes.

…

Fjord wakes to the sound of gemstones turnings to dust.

“Slowly.” Caduceus says, a hand already on his back, helping him sit up. “Nice and easy.”

“I saw you.” Fjord mumbles but who knows what it comes out as because he swallowed just, so much dirt. He coughs, and Caduceus claps him on the back until his airways are clear again. “I saw you.” He says again, slower this time.

His head hurts.

“I know.” Caduceus moves in front of him and offers him a large jug of water. The first mouth full he just uses to clean, spitting it to the side, the rest he drains greedily.

“Did you see me?” He asks.

Caduceus nods.

Fjord leans forward and kisses him. Caduceus smiles, Fjord can feel it against his lips, and kisses back.

“You're wonderful,” Caduceus says once they pull away from each other. “Come inside.”

Fjord shakes his head and reaches to kiss him again.

It's the absence of that weight and the heat of Caduceus' body against his that makes him cry, he thinks. The tears make his throat burn more then the dirt did, and the leave messy streaks down his face. There's a hand grasping at the back of his neck, holding him up right, and Fjord leans into it.

Caduceus holds him tightly while he kisses him, and Fjord can't stop crying.

Caduceus kisses him until he's warm again, and his hands and feet stop tingling, and the loss of the weight doesn't sting as much anymore. Caduceus picks him up, still pressed tight and carries him to the hot tub in their basement.

“Did this come with the house?: He mumbles, face shoved firmly into Caduceus' neck, so close he can feel his heartbeat.

“Nah.”

The water is fresh and it roils against his body and some sense of well, sense comes back to him.

“How long was I-”

“Don't dwell on that.” He says and Fjord looks up to realize he's getting in the water with him. Caduceus kisses him again. His lips are soft. All of him is soft. He settles onto Fjord's lap, arms around his shoulders and kisses him again. And again. And again.

Fjord ruts against his legs and Caduceus pets his hair and tells him how much of a marvel he is, how fantastic, how brave and strong and smart he is, until Fjord spills into the water like a teenager and Caduceus runs his lips along his temples.

“You didn't have to.” He says eventually.

“I wanted to. You deserve it. To know how special you are.” One last long lingering kiss before Caduceus leaves the bath. “I'll make you dinner. Come find me when you're up for it.”

Dinner is simple but delicious, he eats all of it with out any hesitation because he's never felt this hungry, and Caduceus sits next to him and pets his shoulder and his leg and his back.

They head up to his room and Caduceus lays him to bed.

“Stay?” He asks and gets that honey smile in return.

“What you did was astonishing.” He says and gets in beside him. “How did it feel?”

“Tight. Like you said.”

“You ate a lot of dirt too.”

“Yeah. I sure did.”

The sound of their laughter is the only thing in the house.

The only thing in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always encouraged and very very very appreciated
> 
> find me on[ tumblr ](http://iamalivenow.tumblr.com/) and [ twitter](https://twitter.com/licotain)


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